Ask El Vez - The Mandate Edition

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:11 pm

Because I interpret one fleeting, tongue-in-cheek comment from Doc (about an offshoot of AEV) as being just that!

Ask away kids and kiddettes.....

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 12:24 am

Oh well, you know, miss shatterproof -- the natural balance has been out for a long time, babe.

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 12:30 am

180 Proof,

It's warm here in Alabama too which, I hate to say it, no longer suprises me. I think it was around '94 or so when I noticed that it was warm enough to wear a t-shirt and shorts around this time of year. I have to hand it to you Shatter, your question is a hard one. And by hard I mean that I am having a time of it trying to work in one of my standard jokes about smack or the cinema of Misty Mundae. Damn you, Mistress of Corrosives!

As far as straightening your head out, I recommend a strawberry smoothie, a long mountain hike and a night of dancing on bar tables with men named Augusto or Demetrius.

Your own homemade, organic fly traps, eh? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and bet that there is a rolled up tube of Tom's toothpaste in your bathroom and at least one UTNE magazine somewhere in your room. Perhaps on your nightstand?

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 12:33 am

El Vez always has that personal touch...

wehitandrun · Post by **wehitandrun** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 1:09 am

Dear El Vez,

I am having serious problems with my hair. It is a bit long and looks freakish when I get it all spoofed out. I don't like it, especially on a chubby boy like myself. I know, "get a haircut" is the natural- and simply answer... but I want my hair like Zach Braff in my icon (and my signature).

How does one achieve a hairstyle like his?
Also, what do you recommend I do with it?

wehitandrun · Post by **wehitandrun** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 1:13 am

For better reference on the hair of Zach Braff:

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 8:20 am

I'll let the maestro do his thing, but personally I think you're gonna need a LOT of product...

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 11:36 am

wehitandrun wrote:For better reference on the hair of Zach Braff:

What about girls, young man? Girls!

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 1:13 pm

That's your answer to everything!

A rope leash · Post by **A rope leash** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 4:06 pm

Note to the wise:

I have come under reciept of some bootleg thing that was no purchase of mine, it was a gift, and as a gift it is really just a fluke. I've never heard of this thing and I'm a big fan of this guy so it must be an illegal recording of one of his concerts made very early in his career. Should I mail this recording to The Man, because I think it might bring back fond rememberances for him?

Shall I watch Barry Lyndon?

I have written a terrible hack's piece regarding frequent posters at a certain rock star fan's internet message board. I got the idea after renting a DVD put out by a puppet dog insult comic. I'm a little too coldly accurate to be an insult comic. Do you think they will "get it"?

Have you ever tried stand-up?

Where's my waitress?

You're not Nigel's brother, are you?

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 5:03 pm

1. " Should I mail this recording to The Man, because I think it might bring back fond rememberances for him?"

I say pass on this. You always want to protect yourself from a legal standpoint and this could turn out badly for you. It's not likely to be a worst case scenario situation, but why risk it for something that really isn't worth it.

2. "Shall I watch Barry Lyndon?"

Please do and tell me what you think. I've never seen it. I have a violent allergic reaction to Ryan O'Neil.

3. "I have written a terrible hack's piece regarding frequent posters at a certain rock star fan's internet message board. I got the idea after renting a DVD put out by a puppet dog insult comic. I'm a little too coldly accurate to be an insult comic. Do you think they will "get it"?"

This sounds very Vanity Fair (Thackeray, not the magazine) and I'm sure most will find your observations absurdly funny or just over the top in that lazy way that writers who don't edit themselves harshly enough sometimes indulge in. At any rate, I'd love to read your take on me.

4. "Have you ever tried stand-up?"

Should I?

5. "Where's my waitress?"

The one with the pretty face and long, white shiny legs? She's busy hitting on Dylan and having an unflattering sketch drawn of her which she will promptly reject and say "That don't look a thing like me."

6. "You're not Nigel's brother, are you?"

Not unless my parents have been fucking with my head all these years by telling me that I'm an only child and spoiling me with too much attention so as to make me an overly sensitive would-be writer. Think Tennessee Williams meets John Kennedy Toole except that I like girls and hopefully can avoid drug addiction, suicide and embarrassing later works that retroactively tarnish my late 40's/early-to-mid 50's peak.

laughingcrow · Post by **laughingcrow** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:38 pm

Dear El Vez...

what is the code of conduct for a work 'night out' wherein alcoholic beverages will inevitably be quaffed?

What Would El Vez Do? (Cos we all know Jesus would get pissed on cheap red water and end up puking on his new shoes)

wehitandrun · Post by **wehitandrun** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:52 pm

The maestro didn't do his thing. =(

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 7:19 pm

wehitandrun wrote:The maestro didn't do his thing. =(

They can't all be winners, Whar. Besides, the maestro is baffled by the extent of your adoration of the admittedly talented but not *that* talented Zach Braff.

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 7:24 pm

laughingcrow wrote:Dear El Vez...

what is the code of conduct for a work 'night out' wherein alcoholic beverages will inevitably be quaffed?

What Would El Vez Do? (Cos we all know Jesus would get pissed on cheap red water and end up puking on his new shoes)

El Vez would get tore up on Thunderbird and make a pass at his Mormon coworkers' wife whom he happens to think is a fox.

As far as a code of conduct, try not to get tore up on Thunderbird and make a pass at your Mormon coworkers' wife who happens to be an absolute hottie.

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 8:33 pm

laughingcrow wrote:Cos we all know Jesus would get pissed on cheap red water and end up puking on his new shoes

I'm not so sure about that, Laughing Crow. I don't think any of us know what Jesus -- if he existed, and was the only son of God and all that, that is -- would do, let alone puke on his new shoes. Please realize that not everyone here is into Christian jokes. Because they're kind of exclusive.

A rope leash · Post by **A rope leash** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 9:00 pm

I have watched Barry Lyndon, and I found it to be the sort of movie Jesus might approve of: Utterly beautiful, and incomparable.

If I'm not mistaken, I think Jesus would advise one to steer away from strong drink. In my efforts to be more Jesus-like, I have avoided alcohol several times during the last few hours. It's a good thing I've got this back-up...

I am also letting my hair grow long like Nugent, and loving my enemy as I kick the shit out of him right there in his own front yard.

Sorry, El, but you didn't make the cut on the insult gig. I could easily add you, I suppose.

I don't like Nigel...

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 10:03 pm

I just saw a doco on Kubrick, featuring the Barry Lyndon story and his unique lens etc. It was like he was recreating the world. So it inspired me to make up a little song, as I was watching.

It's called: 'Outside Of A Kubrick'

I heard that Stanley Kubrick was in town
to recreate the world, how it could have been.
And I, a wanderer, should get excited?
Never cared for no other man's vision
I just try to stick to my own.

My face won't be seen by Kubrick, it won't appear in shadows.
I've gotta stay outside of a Kubrick, not be captured and ridiculed.

Ouside Of A Kubrick, to be forgotten or be remembered by just a few. It's outside of a Kubrick where I'll be, I don't need the attention so i'm going fishing. You can come if you want. And we'll be outside of a Kubrick, in our world that he'll never touch, that no-one else can touch or even get close to.

We imagined how it might have been, dressed up in a Kubrick. Me and you roaming around in a Kubrick, drinking wine, and going for a dance. Getting out to the back on the dewy grass, where couples calmly chatted and let people laugh. You and I, here to be ancestors -- and I wish I had really known you since that time on, to have known the warmth of your blood, and how it calms me down.

We're good for each other, outside of a Kubrick.

Ya like it?

noiseradio · Post by **noiseradio** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 12:19 am

El Vez wrote: They can't all be winners, Whar. Besides, the maestro is baffled by the extent of your adoration of the admittedly talented but not *that* talented Zach Braff.

Dear El Vez,

Are you really baffled?

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 2:39 am

Now, now.....be nice.

laughingcrow · Post by **laughingcrow** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 4:28 pm

Oh...I was talking about Jesus (as in 'Exclaimed greeting'-'Greek God') the Spanish bloke who works in my local....

no offence!

Tim(e) · Post by **Tim(e)** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 4:54 pm

laughingcrow wrote:Oh...I was talking about Jesus (as in 'Exclaimed greeting'-'Greek God') the Spanish bloke who works in my local....

no offence!

I thought your reference was obviuous... that other Jesus would not have worn shoes; only sandals

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:18 am

There was a guy called Jesus up the street as I was growing up... he used to get picked on a lot for some reason.

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:01 am

Dear El Vez:

I'm no anal neat freak, but my roommate is a slob. We have a cleaning schedule, which she ignores. Whenever I ask her to do her dishes, she makes her boyfriend do them. She will empty the trash in the bathroom, but not put in a new liner bag. Once she left a bloody tampon on the floor! I am trying not to be a nag about it, and whenever I say, "we should put more of an effort into keeping this place clean," she wholeheartedly agrees and makes promises that she doesn't keep. I find myself cleaning up after her and being resentful about it. How do I get her to clean up after herself?

Also, her boyfriend smokes in the bathroom, which she didn't know until I mentioned something about it and showed her the teapot that he uses as an ashtray. The boyfriend is actually another AEV altogether...

Love, love, love,
Forever and ever,
miss buenos aires

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 11:10 am

miss buenos aires wrote:Dear El Vez:

I'm no anal neat freak, but my roommate is a slob. We have a cleaning schedule, which she ignores. Whenever I ask her to do her dishes, she makes her boyfriend do them. She will empty the trash in the bathroom, but not put in a new liner bag. Once she left a bloody tampon on the floor! I am trying not to be a nag about it, and whenever I say, "we should put more of an effort into keeping this place clean," she wholeheartedly agrees and makes promises that she doesn't keep. I find myself cleaning up after her and being resentful about it. How do I get her to clean up after herself?

Also, her boyfriend smokes in the bathroom, which she didn't know until I mentioned something about it and showed her the teapot that he uses as an ashtray. The boyfriend is actually another AEV altogether...

Love, love, love,
Forever and ever,
miss buenos aires

Yeah, this is a difficult one. It is almost impossible to tell someone nicely that their slobbishness is causing issues without coming off like you yourself are the bad guy. It also sounds like she is completely clueless about it which doesn't help because people who have no idea tend to be the ones whose feelings get so hurt. It's the ones who *do* know that get defensive and testy about it.

There are few things more annoying than when someone empties the trash and doesn't replace the liner bag. Whenever someone does that to me, I inevitably am holding a used coffee filter that I am about to dump into the trash. Sometimes I catch myself in time and replace the bag before throwing the filter away, sometimes I don't and I spend ten minutes cleaning coffee grinds out of the waste receptacle because someone else didn't take the extra few seconds to replace the liner. It's on the latter that my tendency to be a congenial sorta guy gets tested to the limit.

The used feminine care product thing is really unfortunate and it's also the sort of thing that is so extreme that you could actually bring that up without sounding like a Felix and use it to frame your entire point that she needs to clean up after herself better. Perhaps that is the solution here; you've got the proverbial Right Bullet (the one Waits' was hawking in The Black Rider) and maybe you can start with that and lead to "By the way......there's this thing about the dishes that's been bothering me and your boyfriend keeps leaving the toilet seat up. Nailed up as a matter of fact."

Elvis Costello Fan Forum

Ask El Vez - The Mandate Edition

Ask El Vez - The Mandate Edition

Okay Karnak...

Re: Okay Karnak...

Dredge